


Lying in the Snow

by shipatfirstsight



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, I cannot stress enough that there is a character death, Post-Canon, Seriously there is death in here, seriously angst, talk of what could have been
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 02:47:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5895103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shipatfirstsight/pseuds/shipatfirstsight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the end, Rey always knew she would be the one to have to kill him. She just never expected him to ask for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lying in the Snow

Luke tells her about the night that Kylo Ren came to the Jedi Temple and murdered all the students. He tells her that he made Obi Wan’s mistake—he loved his nephew still and couldn’t murder him even though something new had taken Ben’s place. He couldn’t murder Ben, even after all he had done. It was why Luke had run away. He knew if he stayed he would have to do it eventually.

Leia tells her about all the times she had Kylo Ren’s location when he was alone, without the benefit or protection of his army. She tells her she made a mistake in sending him from home in the first place. She tells her that she had a pardon ready for him if he came home with Han—that it was special treatment because she loved him. She couldn’t murder her son, though, and she doesn’t want to do it now, even if he’s murdered her husband and his father.

In the end, Rey always knew she would be the one to have to kill him. Mostly, it’s because she doubts any of the other Resistance fighters will be able to survive very long against him. But it was more than that.

She knew it in the forest on Takodana. She knew it in the snow on Starkiller base. She knew it every time they met, lightsabers clashing. One of them was going to end up killing the other. She knew it with utter certainty. That was their fate. She knew it now, she knew she would have to do it, if only to spare Luke and Leia the pain of having to do it themselves. She _would_ free the galaxy, make it a better place. She doesn’t tell them. She silently resolves to do what they could not. Or die trying.

She resolves to not make the mistakes they did, and how could she? Sometimes she thought she was attracted to him, but she wasn’t hampered by love for him. She could do it.

So, in the end, Rey always knew she would be the one to have to kill him. She just never expected him to ask for it.

They were fighting on another planet—trees and snow reminding her of Starkiller base and that night when he offered to teach her, desperately, and all she could think about was how lonely he seemed.

He gripped her wrist in a deft move, holding her immobile—she expected him to twist her saber out of her hand so he could kill her or take her to Snoke. He didn’t do what she expected, but when had he ever? Kylo started pulling her hand toward him, and she saw that if he kept tugging, her saber would cut through his neck. She resists him, stopping the movement of her arm, and she doesn’t know why.

“Do it,” he pleads, something new in his voice and eyes—it was desperation, she realized, mingled with regret. 

“What?” she asks, brow scrunching, wondering at what game he was playing. Honestly, it was the last thing she would have ever expected from him. She pulls her arm free, pushes away with her other hand and steps back, turns her saber off.

“Kill me,” the two words come out in a rush like he’s afraid to say them. “You have to kill me.” He turns his saber off, throws it to the side, leaving him completely open and vulnerable. He steps closer to her, hesitant and slow. He grips her wrist again, the one that’s still holding her saber, softer this time though, waiting for her to act.

“Why?” she questions, raised brow and all—she wonders why she’s not just doing it, why she’s wasting time questioning him about it, but she knows it has something to do with him _asking_ her to do this.

“He wants me to kill General Org—my mother. And I can’t do it. I am weak. I won’t. I can’t—“ he breaks off, tearing his gaze from hers to look angrily at the snow, blinking away tears.

“That’s not weakness. You don’t have to do it, you can leave him Kylo,” she says, not knowing at all why _she’s_ trying to convince him. She wonders if she’s making Obi Wan and Luke and Leia’s mistake. She almost asks him why he wouldn’t kill his mother—he already killed his father, after all, but she realizes that maybe that’s why he _can’t_ do it.

He shakes his head, sadly. “Either Snoke will kill me, or the Resistance will. I want it to be you. I want to chose my own death.”

“Don’t make me carry that burden,” she says, voice quivering a little. “I’m not your executioner.”

“But you want to kill me,” he asks, but it sounds more like a statement than a question.

She won’t deny it, because she _does,_ or a part of her still does, want to kill him. “I want to protect the galaxy from you. If you come back, there’s no reason to kill you.” But even as she says it, she knows he’s right. Either Snoke will track him down or the Resistance will order his death. She’s not sure even Leia will be able to stop them. She wonders if it’s always been heading to this—if this is her fate—to kill him because he asked for it.

“I always knew this path would kill me,” he admits, perhaps hearing her train of thought. “ _Please_.”

So she does. She’s filled with compassion when she stops her resistance to the pull of his hand. The saber is facing him, all she has to do is ignite it. And she hesitates. He sees. He moves his hand from her wrist to cover her hand. He nods at her, morbidly reassuring. And she _can’t_ do it, she still can’t force her finger to move to ignite her blade.

She can’t let him die like this. Alone in the cold, by someone he thinks hates him. It’s not about him—it’s about her. She would never choose _this_ death, and she doesn’t understand why he does. She won't let him die alone. 

Rey pushes closer to him. She tugs his head down with her free hand, twining her fingers in his hair. She places a soft kiss to his cheek. Kylo sighs a little, and she can’t help but think it’s an endearing sound. And that’s when she ignites the saber.

She hears him gasp, jump at the pain. She pulls the saber out, quickly, tosses it over with his. She lowers him to the ground with a gentleness she didn’t know she could show him; she falls to her knees beside him, running her fingers through his hair. Kylo grips her hand in his again, but it’s a far looser hold this time; his hand is going cold. She wonders if it would have been more merciful to cut his head off and have it over and done with, but she couldn’t do that, and now she has to watch him die.

“If I hadn’t turned,” he says suddenly, wheezing through it, just when she thought he was almost gone, “I would have fallen in love with you.”

“I know,” she says, softly because she _did_ know, had wondered at it herself, had wondered every time she felt attraction to him what could have been if they weren’t on opposite sides of a war. “We would have fought all the time.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, weakly, smiling at her.

“We would have never agreed on anything.”

“Yeah.”

“But we would have loved each other,” she finishes, wanting to comfort. “Wouldn’t we, Kylo?”

“C-call me by my name,” he pleads, suddenly, gripping her hand with newfound strength.

“Kylo—“ she starts, confused, before she remembers.

“Not that name,” his grip is weakening again, but his eyes are hard. “Not that name. I want to be called by my real name. One last time.”

“Ben,” she breathes, the single soft syllable falling from her lips as a tear treks down her cheek. She wipes it away, quickly, embarrassed that she’s reacting this way. But he sobs at the sound of the name he’s tried to forget, and it’s the sob of a child. Rey leans down, presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth, trying to offer him some small comfort.

Ben dies then, an exhalation of breath against her cheek and then nothing, a small smile on his face. She grips his hand in hers, still, unable to let go.

When she cries it’s not for Kylo Ren; it’s for Ben Solo and the life they could have had together.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I'm sorry. The end dialogue is somewhat inspired by the last book in the Grisha Trilogy. 
> 
> I'm gonna go try to think of something fluffy to write because I made myself sad.


End file.
